im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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