If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
