he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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