he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
