Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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