life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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