Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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