I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
