The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
