david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
