He is such a slut. More and more my type.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
