I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
