Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
