I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
