I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
