Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
