Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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