when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
