Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
