I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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