Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
it's great music for shaving your balls
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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