So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
