I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
