you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
