Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
