Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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