It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
