I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My ass is underappreciated
you never un-have a 4some
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
