She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
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My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
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i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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