My hand turned me down
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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