Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
