Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
