He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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