Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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