i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
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No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
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Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
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