clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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