Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize