mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I need to stop coming to work sober
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
