I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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