I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He has the fingertips of a God
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