the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm passing your future prison.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
