I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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