Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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