Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
