y did u give ur computer a hand job?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
