my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
