fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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