Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
