We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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