oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
