How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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