I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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