im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
