She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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