Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
