I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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