I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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