if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
